Goin' on vacation. A week at the beach. Have fun at work, fuckers.
Here's some words of wisdom from Mitch Hedberg:
"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."
Friday, June 24, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Boots, Start Walkin'
That Jessica Simpson bitch ain't got shit on Nancy.
I am so hung over that I just ate McDonald's value meal #2 for breakfast.
"These days I'm mostly into Brazilian post-punk."
Tonight is the very last Thursday-night edition of Low-Life at Rififi. Instead, the Secret Squares are now officially throwing a party on the second Saturday of every month. More drinking, more dancing. Anyway, you should stop by for the semi-farewell party. The plan = drinking heavily.
What is the absolute best word in the English language? Right now I'm going with "EXTRAVAGANZA."
"Dude, how was that party last night?"
"It was a fucking extravaganza."
Bam! You instantly wish you had been at that party. Extravaganza. Good word.
I am so hung over that I just ate McDonald's value meal #2 for breakfast.
"These days I'm mostly into Brazilian post-punk."
Tonight is the very last Thursday-night edition of Low-Life at Rififi. Instead, the Secret Squares are now officially throwing a party on the second Saturday of every month. More drinking, more dancing. Anyway, you should stop by for the semi-farewell party. The plan = drinking heavily.
What is the absolute best word in the English language? Right now I'm going with "EXTRAVAGANZA."
"Dude, how was that party last night?"
"It was a fucking extravaganza."
Bam! You instantly wish you had been at that party. Extravaganza. Good word.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Hottness: *bitter defeat* Gets 10,000th Hit on the First Day of Summer
Today is the Summer Solstice, longest day of the year and the official start of "cleavage all over the place" season.
Some other good things about summer: I take my longest vacation of the year; drinks containing rum are suddenly delicious, rather than overly sweet; you can play basketball until at least 8:45 p.m.; the sensual delights of beer-bottle condensation; Coney Island; outdoor concerts; accelerated BBQ schedule; Hollywood blockbusters wherein lots of stuff explodes; life no longer ruled by TV; most fruits are now in season; getting trashed at sidewalk cafés; and, seriously, tons of cleavage.
Some not-so-great things about summer: American employers still oblivious to the fact that humans should not work during the summer months; it's difficult to look stylish and hip in shorts; Jimmy Buffett; humidity tends to turn cocaine into a lumpy paste; swamp ass; the subway; black boogers; Hollywood blockbusters wherein lots of stuff explodes; life no longer ruled by TV; massive electricity bills; and, you know, eventually it ends.
Here is a treasury of shit-hott summer and summer-themed songs. Listen to at least one of these today.
Sly and the Family Stone - "Hot Fun in the Summertime"
B-52s - "Summer of Love"
The Lovin' Spoonful - "Summer in the City"
Kool & The Gang - "Summer Madness"
DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince - "Summertime"
Frank Sinatra - "Summer Wind"
Bananarama - "Cruel Summer"
The Cast of Grease - "Summer Nights"
Seals & Crofts - "Summer Breeze"
Manhattan's legendary Beekman theater is closing. Frequently featured in Woody Allen's better films (Manhattan, Annie Hall), the theater is a landmark of Uptown cinephilia.
Weird news nuggets:
No more bear meat for the homeless!
Chimpanzee art kicks some Warhol ass.
Ladies, science knows when you're faking it. Scientists can smell fear.
Can't let the NBA Finals end without paying tribute to my favorite active player, the Fresh Prince himself, Robert Horry. Big Shot Rob has already joined Sam Perkins, Robert "Chief" Parrish, and Tracy McGrady in the I-always-look-stoned Hall of Fame. And although the Lakers failed to pick up Horry's option, sending him to the loathsome Spurs, he is still, as the French would say, 100% Ze Man. He's one win away from his sixth championship with his third team. That is un-fucking-heard of. Check out Simmons's Page 2 article on BSR's über-clutchness. How can you not just love this dude? Check the laid-back dying-swan pose after his most recent last-minute, game-winning three-ball:
Dude is sexy with that.
Finally, check out Bitchfork's interview with insulin-depleting pop goddess Annie. Her new(ish) album, Anniemal, is the front-runner for best of the summer jams. Cute, broken English is so hott right now.
Happy Solstice!
Some other good things about summer: I take my longest vacation of the year; drinks containing rum are suddenly delicious, rather than overly sweet; you can play basketball until at least 8:45 p.m.; the sensual delights of beer-bottle condensation; Coney Island; outdoor concerts; accelerated BBQ schedule; Hollywood blockbusters wherein lots of stuff explodes; life no longer ruled by TV; most fruits are now in season; getting trashed at sidewalk cafés; and, seriously, tons of cleavage.
Some not-so-great things about summer: American employers still oblivious to the fact that humans should not work during the summer months; it's difficult to look stylish and hip in shorts; Jimmy Buffett; humidity tends to turn cocaine into a lumpy paste; swamp ass; the subway; black boogers; Hollywood blockbusters wherein lots of stuff explodes; life no longer ruled by TV; massive electricity bills; and, you know, eventually it ends.
Here is a treasury of shit-hott summer and summer-themed songs. Listen to at least one of these today.
Sly and the Family Stone - "Hot Fun in the Summertime"
B-52s - "Summer of Love"
The Lovin' Spoonful - "Summer in the City"
Kool & The Gang - "Summer Madness"
DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince - "Summertime"
Frank Sinatra - "Summer Wind"
Bananarama - "Cruel Summer"
The Cast of Grease - "Summer Nights"
Seals & Crofts - "Summer Breeze"
Manhattan's legendary Beekman theater is closing. Frequently featured in Woody Allen's better films (Manhattan, Annie Hall), the theater is a landmark of Uptown cinephilia.
Weird news nuggets:
No more bear meat for the homeless!
Chimpanzee art kicks some Warhol ass.
Ladies, science knows when you're faking it. Scientists can smell fear.
Can't let the NBA Finals end without paying tribute to my favorite active player, the Fresh Prince himself, Robert Horry. Big Shot Rob has already joined Sam Perkins, Robert "Chief" Parrish, and Tracy McGrady in the I-always-look-stoned Hall of Fame. And although the Lakers failed to pick up Horry's option, sending him to the loathsome Spurs, he is still, as the French would say, 100% Ze Man. He's one win away from his sixth championship with his third team. That is un-fucking-heard of. Check out Simmons's Page 2 article on BSR's über-clutchness. How can you not just love this dude? Check the laid-back dying-swan pose after his most recent last-minute, game-winning three-ball:
Dude is sexy with that.
Finally, check out Bitchfork's interview with insulin-depleting pop goddess Annie. Her new(ish) album, Anniemal, is the front-runner for best of the summer jams. Cute, broken English is so hott right now.
Happy Solstice!
Friday, June 17, 2005
Poo-zza? Pizzoo? There's a Hilarious Title in There Somewhere
What is it with Texas high school cheerleaders? First their raunchy routines with the grinding and the crotch grabbing and the dirty naughtiness results in a legislative ban on suggestive cheerleading. Now a bunch of cheerleaders drop their pom-poms, hike up their skirts, and take a dump on a pizza and deliver it to a rival squad. Anyone else suddenly feel like moving to Texas? The image of a cheerleader pooping on a pizza is going to keep me in stitches all day. Gimme a "P"! Gimme an "O"! Gimme an "O"! What's that spell? Fucking rad is what that spells! Do you realize what this means? Girls poop too! I knew it.
[Link courtesy of Lindsayism]
Elvis Costello just got one hundred times cooler. A full two pages on Liverpool's unprecedented victory in the European Cup final... and how he tried to postpone a show in order to watch the match.
Yet another cheesy American couple gets engaged on the Eiffel Tower. Apparently they'll be honeymooning at Niagara Falls. They're registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond.
As if Neil LaBute remaking The Wicker Man wasn't bad enough, now there's a remake of The Hills Have Eyes in the works. At least they were respectable films to begin with. The new hottness is remakes of total shit. I am currently working on an updated version of the 80s classic D.A.R.Y.L. I figure I can sell it to Disney for half a mil. Then I'll start on my big Alf script.
[Link courtesy of Lindsayism]
Elvis Costello just got one hundred times cooler. A full two pages on Liverpool's unprecedented victory in the European Cup final... and how he tried to postpone a show in order to watch the match.
Yet another cheesy American couple gets engaged on the Eiffel Tower. Apparently they'll be honeymooning at Niagara Falls. They're registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond.
As if Neil LaBute remaking The Wicker Man wasn't bad enough, now there's a remake of The Hills Have Eyes in the works. At least they were respectable films to begin with. The new hottness is remakes of total shit. I am currently working on an updated version of the 80s classic D.A.R.Y.L. I figure I can sell it to Disney for half a mil. Then I'll start on my big Alf script.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
"Nuthin' But Cruelty for My Boy."
Last night I made some righteous bucks doing a focus group. It was about Starz on-demand programming lead-ins. It was fun. The best part was the bunnies. That's right... bunnies. They showed us the 30 Second Bunny Theatre production of Pulp Fiction, which was hilarious. Turns out there are several of these animated 30-second movie reenactments with bunnies. Apparently Starz has ordered a bunch more. Texas Chainsaw Massacre is my personal favorite.
You a tiny little yellow sinner? Go here. [link courtesy the Secretary of Spousal Affairs]
Stephen King on the Michael Jackson trial. He's so mad about the amount of media coverage it received, he's going to protest by... giving it more media coverage? Shut up and write something spooky, Steve-o.
Speaking of bunnies, a friend of mine is starting a Brooklyn-based bunny-sitting service. Check out the genius logo. (Blogger Alzheimer's: have I posted this before?)
By the way, in case you missed the last post... I'm in The Onion and I'm still pretty fucking pleased about it. (That's me with my pants undone, naturally.)
You a tiny little yellow sinner? Go here. [link courtesy the Secretary of Spousal Affairs]
Stephen King on the Michael Jackson trial. He's so mad about the amount of media coverage it received, he's going to protest by... giving it more media coverage? Shut up and write something spooky, Steve-o.
Speaking of bunnies, a friend of mine is starting a Brooklyn-based bunny-sitting service. Check out the genius logo. (Blogger Alzheimer's: have I posted this before?)
By the way, in case you missed the last post... I'm in The Onion and I'm still pretty fucking pleased about it. (That's me with my pants undone, naturally.)
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Bathroom Humor: So Hott Right Now
I've always wanted to be in The Onion. I never thought the dream would come true... with my pants undone.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Give the People What They Want
A valuable lesson: you can never overestimate people's tendency toward the lowest common denominator.
Saturday night's special Low-Life was a rousing success. Thanks to everyone for coming out to support Secret Squares and hero of the evening, Redboy. Why was Redboy the hero? Because people were standing around on the packed dancefloor until he started dropping the drum-machine 80s hits. Erasure. People wanted to hear Erasure. Only after their desire for infinitely danceable chestnuts was sated were they willing to dance to excellent music that they didn't already know by heart. The traditional DJ approach -- start slow and build to a crescendo -- apparently only works when people go to a giant club on lots of drugs for the express purpose of dancing. This evening followed a more "casual" trajectory: get 'em drunk and play the hits. Redboy cracked the code within about six songs... that's why he's a professional. Anyhoo, assuming we're asked back, next time you can expect to hear a shitload of Duran Duran and Depeche Mode. Hey, you asked for it.
This is weird.
The one band that will never, ever reunite is reuniting.
You know how we feel about zombie movies around here. Why in hell isn't everyone freaking out about George A. Romero's upcoming Land of the Dead? It opens in two weeks! Let's just hope this isn't the Phantom Menace of zombie sequels.
Ready to feel old?? Wal-Mart is going to stop selling VHS cassettes. That's right, VHS is going the way of Betamax and Laserdisc. Will VHS become an underground trading phenomenon like 8-Track? All signs point to "NO."
Saturday night's special Low-Life was a rousing success. Thanks to everyone for coming out to support Secret Squares and hero of the evening, Redboy. Why was Redboy the hero? Because people were standing around on the packed dancefloor until he started dropping the drum-machine 80s hits. Erasure. People wanted to hear Erasure. Only after their desire for infinitely danceable chestnuts was sated were they willing to dance to excellent music that they didn't already know by heart. The traditional DJ approach -- start slow and build to a crescendo -- apparently only works when people go to a giant club on lots of drugs for the express purpose of dancing. This evening followed a more "casual" trajectory: get 'em drunk and play the hits. Redboy cracked the code within about six songs... that's why he's a professional. Anyhoo, assuming we're asked back, next time you can expect to hear a shitload of Duran Duran and Depeche Mode. Hey, you asked for it.
This is weird.
The one band that will never, ever reunite is reuniting.
You know how we feel about zombie movies around here. Why in hell isn't everyone freaking out about George A. Romero's upcoming Land of the Dead? It opens in two weeks! Let's just hope this isn't the Phantom Menace of zombie sequels.
Ready to feel old?? Wal-Mart is going to stop selling VHS cassettes. That's right, VHS is going the way of Betamax and Laserdisc. Will VHS become an underground trading phenomenon like 8-Track? All signs point to "NO."
Friday, June 10, 2005
Tomorrow Night >> A Special Saturday Edition of Low-Life at Rififi
And you'd bloody well better show up (see flyer below).
Once you pop, you can't stop.
Stylus tackles Rockism.
Anyway... HERE'S THE FLYER. SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT!!
Once you pop, you can't stop.
Stylus tackles Rockism.
Anyway... HERE'S THE FLYER. SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT!!
Monday, June 06, 2005
Unpleasant Disease of the Day: Face Cancer
Here's A Great Moment in Shameless Self-Promotion.
This is almost disturbingly addictive. I don't know why.
I just bought this t-shirt.
Tasmanian devils are coming down with a mysterious face-eating cancer. I bet that smug bastard Bugs Bunny is behind it.
Feeling morose and Scottish? No? Then maybe you should take a whirl at the Belle and Sebastian song-title generator. You'll be neck deep in smirky Hibernian songcraft before you know it.
No matter how you feel about Coldplay, this is pretty damn funny. [via Stereogum]
This is almost disturbingly addictive. I don't know why.
I just bought this t-shirt.
Tasmanian devils are coming down with a mysterious face-eating cancer. I bet that smug bastard Bugs Bunny is behind it.
Feeling morose and Scottish? No? Then maybe you should take a whirl at the Belle and Sebastian song-title generator. You'll be neck deep in smirky Hibernian songcraft before you know it.
No matter how you feel about Coldplay, this is pretty damn funny. [via Stereogum]
Thursday, June 02, 2005
They Grow Up So Fast: *bitter defeat* Turns One Year Old
On June 2, 2004, the blogosphere's water broke, the cybercervix was nicely dilated at seven centimeters, and *bitter defeat* poked its delicate, soft-skulled head into the virtual world. The ensuing year has seen laughter, tears, hysteria, and the onset of serious alcoholism... all of which could never have happened without you, dear reader. The management, in an attempt to distill the spirit of this classy and refined outlet, has compiled a treasury of representative titles to bring you back in time... Ah memories! It's like reliving the past year:
Putting the "poo" in "pool"
Chaka no like blog. Chaka like tender moment.
And I Do Mean Stuffed Animals...
Breast in Peace: Russ Meyer, 1922-2004
Susie, What's a Sanitary Pad?
Mischa Barton: "Will You Still Love Me If I Switch Back to Solid Foods??"
Pardon Me, Have You Seen My Leather-Bound First Edition of Edward Penishands?
And the Jessica Tandy Award for Dying this Year Goes to...
Man with Small Penis Sues Everybody
Oh Snap! Oh No You Di'int! Someone's About to Get They Weave Pulled Out!!
Like Yanni at the Acropolis... Only With Better Haircuts
Oh the pathos. The Hilarity. The love. Thank you all so much for making the first year such a fulfilling journey -- such a time for genuine learning and spiritual growth. Tonight, *bitter defeat* celebrates its love for you.
Come to a very special Low-Life tonight at Rififi and rejoice in a year of joy, pain, and friendship. There will probably be lots of hugging and crying. There will certainly be lots of drinking. There's a good chance you will hear Foreigner. Here's the handy flyer:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)